I’m hoping this helps me find my way again.
I’m hoping that writing this — and sharing it with all of you — gives me the energy to keep going. A crazy vision forced me to do this. I saw folks in my life missing me and I am not sure what the heck is happening, Am I missing myself?
Walking away from my dream job in radio broke me. It was everything I thought I wanted… but reality hit hard. Just because it was my dream didn’t mean it was my destiny.
Now, I’m trying to put the pieces back together — and I’m doing it during one of the hardest seasons of my life. I’m searching for stability. I want peace. But living with bipolar — even medicated, even in therapy — can make that feel like a never-ending uphill climb.
And let me say this:
Therapy is amazing. I believe in it.
But it’s only half of the whole.
So when people tell me, “Just go to therapy,” as if it’s a magic fix — that hurts. Because I am doing the work. I am showing up for myself. But therapy alone doesn’t solve everything. It hasn’t. It won’t. That’s not how healing works.
I’ve been clean from smoking for over a year now. I’ve had slips here and there, but my mind is starting to come back to me — and I’m proud of that. Really proud. I’m reaching out for help more. I’m letting people in. I’m doing things differently.
My next step isn’t clear yet — but I know it’s coming.
Right now, everything is on hold while I give college another shot. I’m going fully online at SNHU — and honestly? I’m scared, but I’m also excited.
I’ve always wanted a big group of friends. But I’m learning that’s not what I actually need.
What I crave is real connection — one-on-one, meaningful, honest. I want love. Like anyone else, I want to be seen, heard, and held.
Please stop telling me I can’t want that.
Bipolar doesn’t make me unworthy of love. My fear does.
I worry that I won’t be enough for someone. That if they see the messy parts of me — the bipolar parts — they’ll run. That it’ll be too much.
It’s hard for me — harder than most people can understand.
Sometimes I’m just trying to make it through the day, trying to do what others seem to do so effortlessly. But I am doing it. I’m surviving. I’m still here.
I have a small circle of friends, and I love them deeply. You know who you are.
And the mentors in my life? They keep me grounded when everything feels like it’s slipping.
I want the simple things: a coffee date, a movie night, someone who chooses to stay when life gets hard.
Not perfection. Just partnership. Love.
And here’s the thing — I do love myself.
A lot.
I’m a Leo — and I try every day to live up to that energy: bold, passionate, loyal, and fierce in my self-work.
This is me trying to figure out who I am.
This is me, showing up.
Trying. Healing. Hoping.
-J